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Demi Moore once hosed down lesbians with her breast milk, says Madonna’s brother

At an after-party for Madonna’s recently launched Sticky & Sweet Tour, her brother Christopher Ciccone felt the mood was right for sharing a lactating Demi Moore anecdote with The Sun. But, then again, when isn’t the mood right for a Demi Moore story about breast milk? (Answer: Christmas dinner. I’ve been shunned.):

He said: “We went out and Demi was dancing up on me and humping me from behind. She was lactating at the time and she was squirting breast milk at my lesbian friends.
“My friend Michelle called me the next morning and asked me: ‘How do I get breast milk out of my black dress?’
“I replied: ‘How the f*** would I know? Call Demi!’”

Try club soda. Now, keep in mind the source of this story is Madonna’s brother and The Sun. So the only place this really happened is my mind - and right now: “Look out, Demi, she wants you to sign a petition for gay adoption! PEW PEW PEW!”

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Guy Ritchie Won’t Renew Vows With Madonna

Guy Ritchie recently said the he does not plan on renewing wedding vows with wife Madonna unlike previously reported. The couple’s relationship is reportedly strained after rumors of Madonna’s affair with Alex Rodriquez and her true love, Kabbalah.

It probably doesn’t help either that Guy has reportedly been taking his sons to the pub with him. Rocco is just 8 and David Banda only 2, but Guy was photographed leaving a pub with Rocco at 11:00pm and spent the next day there with the boys and their nanny.

According to the source, Guy made sure his sons stayed well away from any alcohol and the boys remained under the supervision of their nanny. Somehow I don’t think this is the kind of quality time Madonna planned for her family while she is gone on her concert tour.

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News Bites: Old Lady Madonna At The Airport

-Madonna was spotted at Schoenefeld airport in her damn robe. This is the new trend - rich people rolling up out on the streets in whatever they want. We just didn’t think Madonna was gonna turn 50 and just drop all pretense of glamour. Sad.

-Michael Phelps and Carrie Underwood are allegedly planning a date. She got word to him that she thought he was “cute.” The medals, maybe. No offense. I know he’s Jesus in the pool, but there’s something a little World’s Tallest Man face about him.

-Heidi Montag’s candidate John McCain has picked his running mate. He’s settled on Alaskan governor (?!?) Sarah Palin as his Republican vice presidential candidate. She was in a beauty pageant one time. Good luck, Johnny.

Check out all the photos of Madonna in the gallery.

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Madonna Kicks Off Her ‘Sticky And Sweet Tour!’

Here are some stats of what Madonna’s bringing along for her Sticky and Sweet Tour.

3500 Number of individual wardrobe elements for tour
653 Hours of rehearsal time for Madonna and band
250 Number of travelling personnel
200 Triangle sponges used to apply makeup
180 Q-Tips used for entire tour (3 per night)
120 Powder puffs
100 Pairs of out of stock fishnet, pantyhose in old style weave
100 Pairs of kneepads
69 Guitars
36 Different Designers contributed to the onstage wardrobe
30 Wardrobe Trunks travel to each venue
28 Maximum number of performers onstage
20 Nationalities represented in touring staff
18 Racks of Clothing for Band, dancers and gypsies
16 Caterers
12 Seamstresses working non stop in Cardiff to finish costumes
12 Travelling trampolines used in training by Madonna and dancers
10 Large flight cases of medical supplies
10 Number of guitars Madonna will travel with
9 Number of people working in wardrobe department
8 Major Madonna Costume changes
5 Number of people it takes to change Madonna into next costume
5 Keyboards on stage for Kevin Antunes, Musical Director
4 Large freezers to carry ice packs for Madonna and dancers
4 YSL Lipsticks will cover entire tour
3 Romanian gypsy musicians playing acoustic instruments
3 Racks of Clothing contain Madonna’s stage wardrobe
3 Shu Uemura eyelash curlers
2 Rigs for DJ set up 2 Stages
1.5 Minutes - Shortest time required to change Madonna’s costumes between numbers
1 Chiropractor
1 Personal trainer
1 Masseuse
1 Set of Swarovski crystal ear phones for DJ

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Alex Rodriguez is consistent

I saw ten people wearing that shirt last time I was in Vegas

Looks like Alex Rodriguez finally realized that leaving your wife for a woman who looks like an anorexic, roided-out man is actually a step down. According to the New York Post:

A-Rod stepped out with a mystery blond last Wednesday night, starting with a cozy dinner at Dan Marino’s in South Beach. The duo showed up around 9 and shared a “fairly animated” dinner conversation, spies told Page Six. “They looked to be thoroughly enjoying themselves,” said one source.

Just as Madonna had finished wiping the tears from her blank, lifeless eyes, A-Rod gave her one last kick in the stomach for good measure:

Back in New York on Sunday night, Rodriguez hit the roof of Soho House with a tall Asian beauty with “good hair,” sources report. And this time, instead of trying to pretend he wasn’t with a woman, A-Rod - decked out in jeans, a white T-shirt and black patent-leather Nikes - was “out-of-his-way nice” to the staff. “He seemed in great spirits,” said one spy.”

Of course he was in great spirits—the story said he was with a “tall Asian beauty.” Madonna looks like one of those titless, overly tanned women in the body-building shows. There’s no way I want to piss that beast off. Hey Madonna, I have a couch that needs to be moved—are you free this afternoon?

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Madonna Sparkles On Her 50th Birthday

Madonna celebrated being half a century old by throwing on some shiny accessories over an all-black ensemble and stepping out with her husband Guy Ritchie. The couple hit up the Volstead club in London’s West End.

At least these two aren’t breaking up over her birthday. That in itself is quite the present. Also, she looks good in these pics and that’s not always the case, even with her “new new” face.

Here’s to hoping for 50 more years of scandal and peroxide!

Click any photo to view all 15+ photos of Madonna and Guy Ritchie in the gallery!

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Exhausted Madonna To Renew Wedding Vows With Guy Ritchie

Wow, I really don’t mind being fatter than Madonna if it means my face has the necessary padding to keep it from looking like this. Our girl needs to skip at least one yoga session a week and just take a nap. Old people need naps! I need naps and I’m not even that old yet. I plan on sleeping through most of my Golden Years.

Worn out from working out and defending the honor of her rumored-to-be dissolving marriage to Guy Ritchie, Madge and her hubby have decided to renew their vows in a Kabbalah ceremony, contrary to the talk that Guy has just about had it with Madonna’s passion for the religion.

A source told The Sun, “It’s a very important dinner for them–they
want everyone to know they are still in love. Em and Guy are making speeches
in front of the rabbis.” Well look at that. Everything’s fine!

Click any photo to view all 22 photos of Madonna and family at the Kabbalah Center in the gallery!

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A-Rod Unhappy Over Toronto Blue Jays Fans’ Comedic Ability

Here’s A-Rod taking flack from Toronto Blue Jays fans yesterday about
his reportedly sliding into Madonna’s home plate on a regular basis.

Baseball fans do not give a f*ck. It’s a serious business to try and make sure the other team loses. Fans will shout out jokes about a player’s dead relatives, riff on their ugly children, and bring pictures of that old bitch you cheated on your wife with. I live in Boston, I know this.

I love that these twats were like “dude, we should TOTALLY print out pictures of Madonna and bring em’ to the game. Yeah, brah!” The goal is to get A-Rod to fling a bat into the stands.

Click any photo to view all the photos in the gallery!

A-Rod And His Wife Reunite, Madonna Rolls Eyes

MLB scandal captain Alex Rodriguez was reunited with his wife Cynthia in Toronto yesterday. Cynthia filed for divorce from A-Rod last week due to salacious rumors that he’s been putting his bat into Madonna’s glove. Oh the humanity! The daughter’s probably like “Dad, you’re the worst. Hands that have touched Madge’s well-traveled pussy will never hug me again.”

The worst part of this is all the effort we have to spend on coming up with baseball analogies to describe A-Rod and Madonna bangin’.

Cynthia and older daughter Natasha visited A-Rod in Canada, because he was playing a game against the Toronto Blue Jays.

“Alex and Cynthia are going through really difficult times,” A-Rod’s attorney says. “All of their decisions are going to be based upon what’s in the best interest of their daughters.”

A-Rod has reportedly been making late night visits to Madge’s NYC apartment despite the fact that both are married. For now.

“They’re going to have a relationship for the rest of their lives,” says a source about A-Rod’s family. Fine. Cynthia’s pretty jacked, maxed out dumbass’ credit cards in retaliation and once wore a t-shirt that said “f*ck you” to a Yanks game. She could be the trashy type to take a swing at Madge. Stay tuned. That would be hot.

Click any photo to view all the photos in the gallery!

Goodies!

• Krystal Forscutt topless Zoo pictures make your day! - Hollywoodtuna
• Jessica Simpson celebrates her 28th birthday - Just Jared
• Kelly Rips is hot in high heels - The Superficial
• Jessica Biel doesn’t want kids and isn’t getting married - A Socialite’s Life

• Celine Dion bikini pictures, for real no joke - Celebslam
• Jessica Alba has huge boobs now! - Egotastic
• Selma Blair wearing a see through shirt - IDLYITW
• Madonna and A-Rod are soul mates apparently - Anything Hollywood

A-Rod: ‘Madonna is my f—ing soulmate’

It doesn’t seem like enough of A-Rod’s friends can come out of the woodwork and profess how deeply he loved Madonna. One buddy recalls having dinner with the New York Yankee who kept texting someone and laughing like a schoolboy, according to Us Weekly:

“He told me it was Madonna,” A-Rod’s friend says. “I was shocked.”
The highest-paid player in baseball then “proceeded to say he was in love with her,” the pal tells Us. “I thought he was kidding, but he wasn’t.”
By February, the 32-year-old slugger had upped the ante. “He said, ‘She’s my f–king soulmate, dude,’” the friend tells Us.

I’m just waiting for a batboy to show up in the tabloids confessing “I was there. I handed him his cock! He tipped his hat to me and pointed to the outfield just like Babe Ruth before he hit a home run. Except what happened next was way dustier, and I’m pretty sure I saw a Sphinx.”

Madonna begged Jose Canseco to hit a home-run in her uterus

Apparently Madonna has a thing for married baseball players. Jose Canseco has thrown his hat into the A-Rod fiasco by recounting the time Madonna begged him to knock her up in 1991. Us Weekly reports:

“She wanted to get married and have a child with me — she wanted a Cuban child,” he tells Us.
Canseco recalls: “We went downstairs [at her house in the Hollywood Hills] and she came over and said, ‘What would you do if I kissed you?’ and then sat on my lap and kissed me.”
Madonna even offered to support him if he split with his wife. “She said, ‘I have lots of money. Don’t worry about that,’” Canseco tells Us.

Does anyone else get the impression Madonna is trying to pull an expansion team out of her vagina? Otherwise, I have no freaking clue.

Britney Spears’ video details are elevatory

Britney Spears filmed her video short for Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet tour and it”ll reportedly be shown at the opening of each show. Nothing like giving ticketgoers a chance to flee in terror before you even perform. Very crafty, Madonna. E! News posted the following description of the video:

According to our insiders, the planned “short movie” will take place inside an elevator, where seven cameras will be strategically placed to capture the magic. The scene-by-scene breakdown goes like this:
Britney, partially disguised by a gray hoodie, walks into the elevator. As she starts traveling upward, she seems particularly nervous and anxious. The popster starts pacing back and forth. Then she progresses to kicking and smacking the walls, all frantic-like. She screams into one of the cameras. Then she starts climbing the wall, pulls down her hood and, into another camera, says: “It’s Britney, bitch.”

Riiiight. Because that sounds completely scripted. So basically they’re just following Britney Spears around with a camera. I’m sure the video will have other segments including Britney doing “her thing, y’all”:

Sleeping standing up. Though no one notices even with the snoring.
Challenging the crew to a pie eating contest but failing to mention the pies are made of tacos, Cinnabon and humpback whale. (She wins.)
Trying to open her car door with a handgun.
Trying to open a can of soda with a handgun.
Trying to load her now empty handgun - with a handgun.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s United Front

For the second week in a row, Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie were spotted out at the Kabbalah Center in New York City on Friday evening (July 11).

Looking a bit distraught, Madge showed up late, arriving separately from her family after the service had ended and with her children already headed home with their nannies/bodyguards.

, Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s United Front

Alex Rodriguez: Madonna’s Soulmate?

Despite the fact that the whole Alex Rodriguez/Madonna fiasco has just recently blown up, it seems that A-Rod has been smitten with the Material Girl for quite some time.

According to a friend, Alex was exchanging text messages with Madge during dinner in Miami, Florida six months ago and acting as giddy as a teenager.

, Alex Rodriguez: Madonna’s Soulmate?, Celebrity Scandals: The Gossip Girls,
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